little man

i know today is a day to never forget

and i haven't.

9/11

is an amazing day for our country

it is a little bit different for me

9/11/01 changed so many lives

mine included

9/11/06

changed mine forever

in so many ways, ways i still dont understand

while the world remembers those who we lost to tragedy

i remember the gift i was given

the gift i was given to be in this persons life, the opportunity to be in his presence. september 11th to me is the last night i had with my little guy. it was our last date, just me and him. the last time i had him with me. i wish i could say i remember what i was doing or where i went or what i was thinking that exact night. but i have a general idea.

i was a conundrum

i was peacefully anxious

excitedly calm

and

weary with strength

i know that doesnt make sense

i was anxious to not be pregnant anymore

i was anxious for him to be home

i was excited to meet him

i had the most amazing little buddy, he was always there. for 9 months. he was there in my heart and in my mind. he kept me company when i was all alone. he comforted me when peace eluded me and something i didn't expect. he loved me. i could really feel it.

it wasn't all mushy, he kicked me lots i poked him back

there was some friction

but i cherish september 11th

see tomorow is his birthday

that little man is turning

5

five

cinco

V

half a decade

september 12th is the day of his birth

his birthday

his day

but september 11th is kind of my day

and fitting that the whole world

should also see to it being a day of reverence

what a crazy 5 years it has been

and i hope to be able to express to that little man what he means to me

the honor it has been to know to him and to be a piece of his history

and to have him be a peace of mine.

i dont understand everything or know how it all works

i dont know how he will feel or what the feelings i have mean

but i know i love him

and i know he loves me

not something i expected

or something i was prepared for

but it is the greatest gift

to have the love of a child

to his mommy and daddy

i am eternally endebted

they might just be two of the three nephites

(i think mae mae is the third)

as "my day" ends

little man yours begins

and as i told you when we first met

 it will be a privilege and an adventure to see the places you'll go

 Happy Birthday

my first 5k

(me and ricardo) Join me in my efforts to support Huntsman Cancer Foundation!

hello all, it is no secret that staying among the living is almost a full time job for me these days. i have recently spent some time at the huntsman cancer clinic getting iron infusions and it has really opened my eyes. sitting with all of those amazing people that are fighting for their life has really motivated me to really fight for mine.i am far to young to be as sick as i am and it is high time I SHOW my body what it can do, teach it to believe in itself and to worry about miles run, not organs lost. :) i know being active will help me feel better in spite of the bits that are broken and pieces that are missing. so if me and ricardo can do it. so can you. im challenging you to put yourself first, your health, your happiness, your longevity. i challenge you to join me in this 5k whether you feel like a healthy human or you are less then human but not quite dead. i often go back and forth. i need to raise 200$ for huntsman cancer to be able to race. so help me out. whether it is running or walking or donating money or just getting going in your own life. there is also a walk for the little ones. i have a 6 week couch to 5k plan all set up, that has each workout planned out for you. any questions let me know. more info to follow. The Hometown Heroes program is designed to help participants reach their endurance goals while raising much-needed funds for cancer research. Since 2003, Hometown Heroes have raised over $1 million dollars from donors like YOU. Huntsman Cancer Foundation relies on the generosity of community members to support cancer research programs. Be a part of it by donating through my event today. check out my link to donate and  find all the good stuff. come play (click here to see the training plan and hear me whine about doing it. come on it will be fun.)

night of the running dead

(then)

mr t
you are my rock
you make me better
by leaps and bounds
you push me
you hug me
you teach me
you love me

you are in it
with me
i need nothing more
thank you mr t


(now)

"don't quit before the miracle happens"

it's no secret things have been,
and are tough right now
lots of uncertainty
some things i don't understand
and some missing people
which leads to a sad heart and some tears

while a little piece of my heart is
a baby bit broken right now

the rest of my heart is fuller
than ever before.

years of prayers answered in
one coincidental saturday morning

some time with a certain someone special
a morning with an amazing little angel

with everything going on
all the hard feelings
and the hurtie heart

i was sent an above-average sized
reminder

i am beyond blessed

and was chosen by
one of His
elite children

and that my friends
heals and restores
this tender heart

"don't quit before the miracle happens"

so remember when i said that someone had signed up

well it seemed to be

but it wasn't really

remember that post from earlier

about the self made girl

she is back and her

tender heart is broken

not by one

but by things that

just

keep

happening

i don't understand

i don't understand an

"i love you"

that turns around and walks away

i dont understand it

it doesnt compute

i would rather be

hated

despised

than be

ignored

forgotten

and yes

(here come the daddy issues)

abandoned

given up on

not worth it

how can i be the bee's knee's

but then fine to live without

...

i just plain don't understand

i really dont

but nothing i can do about it

and i know i will be fine

it will all be fine

life goes on

but goodness effing gracious

really?!?!

i am far from pleased...

well...

life suprises you

and shocks the crap out of me...

i'm wrangling the tornado

oh i mean myself

and turns out

i have a buddy that wants to help me

the road is slippery and

as you can see uphill

with obstacles surrounding,

but there is someone that

has signed up

to pull me back to the middle

thanks sweetness and light

love ya

Well kids...
the moment came earlier than planned
because i threw a fit
i got what i wanted
well not exactly...
the blade came and cut
it cut so sharp and went so deep
and hurt like it always has before
the thing that hurt the most was
i.didn't.understand.
none of it made sense
none of it
i have had alot of hard things in my life
but they always made sense
tears followed an equation
anyway...
ya know when you have a really big problem
and you think it out, you take all factors
sort it out, take a deep breath
and start to wrangle that tornado
well...
if it were only that easy
...
i drew my line in the sand
and lassoed that tornado
turns out
i'm the tornado
and i have tied myself into
a
big
fat
knot
hopes and prayers
and wishes and dreams
that i can untangle myself
details to come...
i meant it about the hopes and prayers
(and by reading this you have signed onto my requests)